Interview with Jan Silvious

WOF:
Why did you choose to write a book about choices? (Did you think twice about it?)

JAN:
The real answer is I needed a follow-up to Big Girls Don’t Whine and what I came up with is Smart Girls. Smart Girls have an intelligent attitude towards life and toward making choices. Honestly, it was a fluke that I got into it, but I’ve always had a high regard for choice. I’ve seen how one choice can change everything for a lifetime. I’ve done a lot of counseling, sitting in an office listening to people thinking, “You’ve made a choice and that’s something you’re going to have to live with all the rest of your days.”

Decisions are hard; nobody can make a perfect decision. If you can’t make a perfect decision how do you make a decision at all? To me making choices is all about whether you believe God is in control or if you don’t. You may live with the consequences of your decision and others will live with the consequences, too, but God will cause something good to come out of it. I don’t see that he leaves out bad choices when he says “All things work together for good.”

WOF:
One reason we avoid making choices is fear of consequences–does that stem from the story of Eve?

JAN:
Could be. When you get right back to it they made choices and from that point on their children made choices and it went all the way through Scripture. You see choice after choice. Women particularly shy away from making a choice–but even not making a choice is making a choice. How can I become a courageous choice-maker who is always able to live with my choices? I don’t think if I think once that I can live with them, but if I think twice I probably can.

WOF:
“Consequences” sound so unpleasant, but they’re not all bad, are they?

JAN:
Consequences aren’t all bad! Sometimes they may not be expected, but they may well turn out to be the best possible thing that ever happened. How many times have we heard stories like “I never knew…what looked like total failure was actually the door opening to total success.”

So often we as women need to have all the answers before we make a choice. Men are more valiant in that area. They’ll make a choice, slap each other on the back, and go on. Women want to know, “Will I still be loved? Will I still be a good person?” We need to be approved. We want people to consider us as good choice-makers, as thoughtful women. We don’t want to hurt people.

Take adult women dealing with their adult parents: many are trapped because they don’t want to hurt anybody–yet they may be trapped for all the wrong reasons. They don’t want to think it through; they want things to be smooth and everything to turn out all right. But is smoothness always the best? Is peace always preferred? Is this really peace or just an arrangement?

WOF:
How can we have confidence when making decisions? Is that the Stop, Look, Listen, and Look Again method?

JAN:
How can you have confidence when you’re going to a stop sign that you’re not going to be t-boned in the intersection? You stop, look, listen, look again, and move on. Occasionally people get stuck hesitating (sometimes you see that when the lights don’t work). In the hesitation there is great danger. With Stop, Look, Listen, and Look Again we give ourselves a chance of finding out is there one more thing to consider?

WOF:
You said, “The way you manage money reflects how well you manage life.” That’s a pretty bold statement. Would you like to elaborate?

JAN:
If you manage life well, it means you don’t overextend yourself or your resources or other people in pursuing whatever you want. If you manage money well, it means you don’t overextend yourself or your resources or other people. So the way we use money reflects our view of life. There are those who won’t give anything of themselves in life. I know people who are very limited in their desire to give or use their resources for anything but saving for a day that has yet to come. Those same people will not give of themselves at all. So I think one matches the other.

WOF:
Many of us don’t consciously decide what to say, it just comes out . . .  which doesn’t always work so well. How can we learn to be more mindful of our words?

JAN:
One of the ways I have tried to be more mindful of my words is to be aware of the people around me. If you watch the responses of people around you, you will be aware of your words. Too many times we’re not aware; our words come out and we think, “Oh, they know what I mean.” If you watch their eyes and watch their responses you know if you’re being successful with your words. It is in the ear of the hearer not the mouth of the speaker. Sometimes we say things and don’t mean anything by it–but it’s taken in a way that will be painful. But here’s a caveat: there are always hypersensitive and touchy people who are offended no matter what. With them we need to be careful about anything we say . . . and try to avoid them.

WOF:
Could you explain about “favorite bad feelings”?

JAN:
It’s the feeling to which you return when you’re up against something that’s annoying or frightening or sets you out of sorts. It’s usually the feeling you learned to respond to as a child, how you saw your parents cope. It can be anything from eating chocolate to sleeping to driving fast. It’s a place to which we return–and when we go there it affects the people around us; we’re not connecting with them anymore.

Once you you’re your favorite bad feeling you’ll notice when you’re going there. I’m a rule-maker. I know when I start making rules it’s because I feel things are out of control. Now when I start that I think “That’s just a pathetic way to deal for a grown woman to deal with things that are out of control.” When I go there I know it’s not the best way to handle the situation.

WOF:
What’s the most important step we can take to become a “Smart Girl?”

JAN:
To desire it. One of the things it says all through Proverbs is to desire wisdom, long for wisdom, seek wisdom. I think châkam (a Hebrew word often translated as “wisdom”) is to desire an intelligent attitude to life. Wisdom brings life and joy. According to Proverbs it’s the greatest thing you can have. Desire it; we usually get what we go after, especially if it’s something personal. If we really want it, we’ll get it. If someone chooses to remain ignorant it’s usually because there’s something they don’t want to give up–they want to hold on to some sort of comfort zone.

WOF:
Is there something else you’d like to share with our readers?

JAN:
Smart Girls is not a book for teenagers, it’s a book for adult women. A teen can read the book, but her mom would probably find more help from it than a teen.

WOF:
If someone wanted to hear more about Smart Girls, is there an event they could attend to hear you speak? In, say, 15 or so cities around the country from now until the end of the year? (Yes, this is a trick question.)

JAN:
I have heard there is a Preconference where we talk about seconding our emotions. Out of that we talk about how to be smart about our emotions, our relationships, the way we do life. If a person would want to attend such an event, that’s the one I’d recommend.

Editor’s Note: Click here for more information about I Second That Emotion events with Jan Silvious, Patsy Clairmont, and Anita Renfroe.