Interview with Marilyn Meberg

WOF:
What prompted you to write a book on abandonment?

MARILYN:
Mary Graham fussed at me and fussed at me and fussed at me. She said, “You have never dealt with the topic of abandonment. You hint at it, particularly in The Zippered Heart and any other stories having to do with Beth and her adoption. I want you to take that topic full-on and run with it.” My response was, “I already have.” Her response was, “No you haven’t. Get busy.” So I got busy.

WOF:
She is the boss.

MARILYN:
She also (as I know you know) has very good insights. I had a sense as I was writing it that this was meant to be. A very strong sense of OK Marilyn, now we’re going to do something that is partnership-oriented between the God of the universe and my adorable-though-wander-about little child Marilyn.

WOF:
You mention that the experience of birth causes our first abandonment issues. Does something that happened when we were so tiny really still affect us as adults? How?

MARILYN:
Interestingly enough, that’s exactly what scientific biological inquiry says to us. There is indeed a memory that miraculously goes into a recorder mode before birth. Then all experiences since birth are recorded in that miraculous little recorder box. Research verifies that some people even have pre-birth memories. And why should we find that surprising when you think Who put us together in the first place?

WOF:
Pre-birth memories must be kind of boring, don’t you think?

MARILYN:
You know, it’s security. Unless there is abuse of the mother; then that abuses the fetus emotionally and sometimes physically. If all goes as God intended and there is a relatively healthy hatching period and a relatively healthy birth experience, we then start out life with a relatively healthy little psyche on whom all our human experiences are recorded.

WOF:
Does that mean abandonment is an inevitable part of life?

MARILYN:
It is. Because life isn’t perfect. In a perfect world we would never have experienced the original abandonment that occurred when the connection was severed with God in the Garden of Eden. We were meant to live in a perfect environment with continual connection with God. God didn’t leave us – sin interfered with that perfect relationship. We find ourselves reconnecting repeatedly through confession of sin and gratefulness to start with a clean slate once again.

WOF:
Since abandonment is so painful, would it be better to just avoid all attachments in the first place?

MARILYN:
Many people think that – they become what we call “avoidant personalities.” I don’t recommend it because it’s lonely. We were created for connection. We go contrary to the inherent drive in the human psyche if we avoid connection. We were created for it, we must have it, we all crave it. What some do is let the craving go toward a substance instead of a person. Food, alcohol, drugs, shopping – anything to distract the original crave, which is for connection.

All hurt, pain, addiction, need has its origin in the abandonment experience. Abandonment is about loss. All losses are a form of abandonment. Many people think abandonment is just being left somewhere somehow by someone, but abandonment of my emotional needs is a loss that is also considered an abandonment. A mother, a father, a husband . . . any of the kinds of relationships we have ever had has the potential for abandonment, which causes us to go right back to the original wound. The psyche never forgets it. The need to fix it will be there until ultimately we’re in heaven. Jesus fixed it (the separation from God that came with sin) through salvation, nevertheless we feel the abandonment wound all of our lives.

WOF:
So . . . we’ve identified our abandonment issues. Now what?

MARILYN:
Then we understand better why we are, for instance, controlling people. Abandonment affects our behavior; it dictates our behavior. If we’re controlling, we want to take charge of our environment and the people in it so we won’t experience another abandonment. If I can keep you under my thumb, I can keep you from running away or walking away or leaving me. Insecurity comes from abandonment. All woundedness – all of it – comes from abandonment. I’m insecure because (going back to the original wound) somehow I wasn’t good enough to keep. I didn’t have enough value to be saved or kept, protected or chosen. That’s why the verse in Isaiah 41:9 is so astounding. God says “I have chosen you and I will not throw you away.”

WOF:
How can we know that God won’t abandon us, too?

MARILYN:
Because He says He won’t. That is what I have to take by faith. He says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Never, never, never. Contrary to how I feel, contrary to how it may appear. The truth is – the reality is – God says He won’t leave us. It’s against His nature. His nature is that we be in the cloister and protection and nurturance of His love.

WOF:
Sometimes we’re the “abandoner” rather than the “abandonee.” One thing you caution us not to abandon is our dreams. Why is that so important?

MARILYN:
Abandoning our dreams can be a form of abandoning God. He will place the desire He has in our heart, which is His call on our life. We interpret that, sometimes, as a dream. My dream is to be (fill in the blank). Now, sometimes our dreams are self-serving and not in keeping with God’s will for us. Anything that’s contrary to Scripture and contrary to the work of the Holy Spirit, we’d better examine and see if that dream is only attached to human want and need.

A caveat to that: If I dream of, for example, having a house, that’s perfectly legitimate, but I give that dream to the God of universe and say, “If this is your will for me, I want to have a house. I’m going to head in that direction unless you put blocks in my way.”

Bill Bright used to say that finding God’s will is like walking down a corridor with a bunch of doorknobs – behind each door is a possibility. We, as the believer, start down the corridor and try a doorknob. If it doesn’t yield to our grasp, we don’t break the door down and force our way in. We ask God to lead us into the doors He wants us to go through. Abandonment of our dream could be missing God’s plan. God also means for us to have a rich life – He says He’s given us all things richly to enjoy – and some of those dreams are an enrichment. Food . . . fellowship . . . beauty can all be an enrichment. Good conversation is an enrichment. Dreams of interrelatedness with other people, ministry to other people – those are all enrichment. They all make for rich living.

WOF:
What’s your current writing project?

MARILYN:
Once again Mary Graham insisted! I’m currently writing a book titled What To Do When the Roof Caves In. Each chapter is devoted to a different “cave-in.” Hopefully, each chapter can stand alone and will address the various cave-ins of our readers.

WOF:
And we hear you’ll be speaking during the Friday day-time session next year.

MARILYN:
Yes! My topics for that will come from this new book, What To Do When the Roof Caves In. Steve Arterburn, Sandi Patty and I will get our heads together and decide what kinds of topics will be helpful for roof cave-ins.

WOF:
Is there anything else you’d like to share with our readers?

MARILYN:
It’s good to know the distinction between an abandonment and what we call loss. They are the same, but abandonment means someone chose to throw me away. Loss means I’ve experienced emotional abandonment but it was not chosen. For instance, Ken died of cancer; I feel abandoned by his loss, but he didn’t choose to leave. Women who experience divorce when it wasn’t their choice are abandoned; it’s more excruciating when the loss comes through choice. In essence you deal with it the same way, but it’s more catastrophic for the soul to be chosen against. That’s why that verse in Isaiah is so meaningful. “I’ve chosen you and I won’t throw you away.” We spend a lifetime recovering from someone choosing against us and we’ll spend eternity thanking God that He didn’t do that.