WOF:         Once again we are amazed and humbled by the raw honesty of your writing.  How do you find the courage to be so open about your pain?

CAROL:      Each of us has a choice when we face a challenge in our personal life or in the life of someone we love—we can literally hide in our homes, emotionally fleeing to a prison of our own making, or we can use what has happened to us as a platform upon which to bring hope and encouragement to others. 

For the first two and a half years following our son’s arrest for the murder of his wife’s first husband, my husband, Gene, and I were given legal counsel not to talk publicly about what had happened until after the trial.  Our son’s trial was aired on Court TV and featured on Dateline NBC, so many people knew the details of our journey.  I had already been speaking at women’s conferences and retreats for a number of years and following the trial, I took the risk and shared our emotional journey through unthinkable circumstances in my book, When I Lay My Isaac Down. The follow-up book, A New Kind of Normal, is based on the hope-filled choices all of us need to make when something happens and life as we once knew it will never be the same. 

How did I find the courage to be transparent about our pain?  By watching what happened as I opened up to men and women about the gut-wrenching agony of watching our child in a devastating situation—and realizing that by telling the truth about our journey—our grief, our imperfect responses, our anger, and even our questions about the goodness of God, it freed other people to talk openly about their own pain.  Suddenly, our e-box was filled will letters from people who were living in their own new kinds of normal and we realized the universal “felt need” people have because life is hard and all of us face difficult challenges.

WOF:         What was your purpose in writing “A New Kind of Normal”?

CAROL:      This book is based on the importance of taking positive action steps when life doesn’t turn out the way we anticipated.  The most significant thing Gene and I have learned is that we can lie down, curl up in the embryo position, quit life, and die emotionally and spiritually—or with every fiber of our being we can choose life.  We can choose perseverance.  We can choose gratitude.  We can choose vulnerability.  We can choose other-centeredness. We can choose purposeful action.  We can choose to speak up about what we are learning as a result of spending many days each year in the visitation room of a maximum security prison.  We choose to turn toward needy people, instead of pretending we don’t see them. We wanted to motivate and inspire others to move beyond numbness and paralysis and take action steps that will give them fresh faith, renewed hope, and opportunities to learn a new and more positive definition of normal.

WOF:         What’s the best thing to say ― or avoid saying ― to someone who has just experienced an abrupt change in their “normal”?

CAROL:      I’m the first-born of six preacher’s kids, so I’m a “fixer” by nature.  I was used to giving people who were hurting five verses and a prayer, and with a tap on the shoulder, I’d give them a verbal reminder that they would soon be okay.  Now that I have experienced a deep life-altering change in my once somewhat normal life, I realize that often no words are needed at the time of a crisis.  The people who ministered the most to me during my trial were the ones who said very little.  They held me in their arms and wept with me.  They looked around my house and saw what needed to be done for people who were stopping by.  They brought simple food items.  One friend overnighted ten boxes of Kleenex to me after my son’s verdict and sentencing of life without the possibility of parole, giving me permission to cry.  Something that doesn’t help someone who is in “a new normal” is to talk too much, quote too much Scripture, to insist on acting cheerful, and to offer endless advice.  We all need people who will wait with us, without judging us or preaching at us when we experience an abrupt change in our “normal.”

WOF:         Expressing gratitude when we’re in a less-than-pleasant situation can be so difficult ― but you believe it’s important, don’t you?

CAROL:      I believe a spirit of thankfulness that is expressed on paper by itemizing our blessings, or by gratitude that is verbalized to the people around us, has the power to transform our minds and our quality of living.  The discipline of Paul and Silas to pray and praise not only broke their own chains, but it also broke the chains of every other inmate behind prison bars with them.  The obvious truth is, when we give ourselves to acknowledging the mighty, sovereign God of the universe through gratitude and praise in the midst of our struggles and heartaches, we not only begin a process of release for our own heavy hearts, but we also influence others who are in chains to lift their eyes heavenward.  On a visit at the prison I asked my son how he overcomes the threat of depression and he told me he has a gratitude list.  He said:

• I’m grateful I have two parents who will be my advocates for as long as I live.
  
  
• I’m grateful I can have ministry inside a maximum security prison that often houses from 1,500 to 1,700 men.
  
  
• I’m grateful for scripture like Philippians 4:6 & 7 NLT:  “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”

I (Carol) try to verbalize my gratitude instead of ruminating over all of the negatives of my new normal.  There are days when I start to feel sorry for myself—like when I’m standing in the prison visitation line waiting to go through security on Christmas day instead of having my son and his family in our home around a turkey dinner in comfortable surroundings.  When I choose gratitude over fear, self-pity, and bitterness, my entire outlook changes—and I often wind up encouraging the families of other inmates during the visit. 

My friend, author Rebecca Barlow Jordan, wrote:  “The blessing of gratitude is like a boomerang.  When it flies out of a truly grateful heart, it hovers momentarily above the receiver, blessing its recipient, and then makes a 180-degree turn back into the life of the one who offered thanks.”  Gratitude changes your life into a productive platform upon which others can draw strength.

WOF:         You wrote, “I’m learning that forgiveness is a lifetime process, not a one-shot cure-all.”  That’s a new concept for a lot of us.  Why can’t we just forgive once and get on with our lives?

CAROL:  When we are not as happy as we’d like to be or as joy-filled as we think we have a right to be, it’s easy to play “the blame game.”  We look around and try to find someone or something we can hold responsible for causing our problem.  Once we identify a potential cause—especially an individual who “should have known better,” we begin mentally listing our “justifiable” reasons for pointing a finger at the cause of our pain. God must have known it would be hard for us to forgive, because that topic is mentioned throughout the Bible and it’s even included in The Lord’s Prayer:  “And forgive us our sins—just as we forgive those who have sinned against us.” (Luke 11:4  TNLT).  As Gene and I continue to live in a very unlikely place, we didn’t realize how many people we would need to forgive in the process of living in our new kind of normal. The most subtle “forgiveness” challenge we faced was forgiving God for allowing such a horrible thing to happen when He could have stopped it. Many people encounter forgiveness issues that are intricately woven into their own realigned version of “normal.”  Even though we say, “I forgive you,” when someone has done something involving betrayal, or deceit, or anything that permanently alters the rest of our life in a negative way, harmful thoughts can nag at the core of our being, and we realize forgiveness is a process, not just a moment in time. 
       
WOF:         How do you deal with that complicated feeling when you know someone who is happy – and you are genuinely happy for them – but at the same time your own heart is breaking because you can’t experience the same kind of happiness?

CAROL:      I’ve learned that it is possible to laugh and cry at the same time.  Last weekend as I was arriving at the prison to visit my son, an inmate was being released after eighteen years of incarceration.  His family was waiting for him and it was an emotional reunion—he was walking in freedom outside of the razor wire.  I found myself celebrating for one of my son’s former inmate friends, but choking back a sob that was no doubt centered in a touch of jealousy and in a bit of fear that my son will never walk in freedom in this lifetime.  Jason was twenty-five years old at the time of his arrest and it is hard for me to envision him becoming an old man with a “toe-tag” sentence who will one day be moved to a geriatric prison to die.  I’ve discovered I can be truly happy for others even when I’m sad for myself.  It’s life-giving and health-giving for me “to rejoice with those who rejoice.”  It protects my heart from depression.

WOF:         You wrote, “Embracing your new kind of normal is the most empowering choice you will ever make.”  Could you expand on that a little?

CAROL:      Embracing your new kind of normal transcends common sense.  It is resistant to old patterns.  It is sticky, uncomfortable, agitating, and difficult.  But it is liberating and life-giving and spirit-enriching.  It changes your life and the lives of everyone who joins you on your journey. And quite unexpectedly, you realize you are splashing hope into the lives of others because you have an intimate love relationship with the Source of hope.
 
Living in a new kind of normal has taught me that pain is pain is pain is pain.  Repeatedly people come up to Gene and me after speaking engagements, and with urgency they say, “I feel so guilty for feeling sorry for myself.  Compared to the suffering you are experiencing, my pain is nothing.”  Oh, no—your pain is very real—pain is pain.  It’s all pain.

So how do we find courage for the long haul?  There’s only one way—by experiencing the unconditional love of God that we in turn splash all over the people around us.  Experiencing His irresistible love in the middle of catastrophic loss (or even during life’s disappointments) is so empowering that we automatically keep passing it on to other people.  And we live in the constant astonishment that God uses broken people to minister to broken people. 

WOF:         What are you looking forward to in the coming months?

CAROL:      On a personal note, I plan to spend some time with my four sisters—laughing, talking, and hanging out together.  I am blessed with a close family who has supported me with extraordinary love and encouragement during my ongoing new normal. 

I’m also excited about new ministry goals.  During the next year I will continue to speak at conferences and retreats for women—pointing them to the Bible for answers to their deepest questions.  I hope my upcoming book projects will help readers turn fear into faith that results in positive and purposeful living. 

Gene and I will continue to develop the nonprofit organization Speak Up for Hope that benefits inmates and their families (SpeakUpforHope.org).  Another aspect of ministry that is important to me is training Christians in communication skills through the Speak Up With Confidence seminars.  I will be an advocate for those who cannot speak up for themselves by doing television and radio interviews that educate and inform listeners who are looking for meaning and purpose in their own lives. (CarolKent.org)  

My favorite verse is Isaiah 43:19 NIV:  “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”  God never intended that our “new kind of normal” be wasted.  If we are willing, it can become a platform upon which others find renewed courage and hope-filled choices.